So, they’ve officially flown the coop. You can’t help but wonder how your babies are suddenly adults. How did this happen? Where did time go? You have to process so many different thoughts and feelings. And you grapple with letting go when memories of a tiny hand clutching yours still feel like they happened yesterday. But while you’re still trying to come to terms with the loss, you’re already wondering: what now? All of this is very familiar to us during online therapy sessions.
Parents feel stuck in the seemingly in-between of yesterday and tomorrow. Because how do you parent a grown adult? How do you keep the connection despite distance and while living separate lives? How does one manage this transition period in every parent’s life? We’re here to offer some guidance and assurance. What lies on the other side of this transition period can be an even deeper and more fulfilling relationship with your child. Here are a few online therapy insights, tips, and advise to get you through:
How to Cope With Having an Adult Child
It almost sounds like adulthood is some sort of affliction that’s befallen your child. But often it can actually feel like such a devastating situation to a parent. Whether you’re just periodically feeling that tinge of sadness and have a little cry or whether you’ve gone into full-blown grieving mode, carrying around your child’s baby blanket, there are a few ways to cope with this letting-go period:
Acknowledge the Grief
Having an adult child out there in the big, wide world is a legitimate period of grief. There is no shame in it. You’ve said goodbye to a specific time in your life. You’ve possibly said goodbye to the daily physical presence of a loved one. It is incredibly important to acknowledge this profound loss and allow yourself to grieve and process all the feelings that come with this transition period. If not, these unprocessed emotions could rear their heads in other ways and in other areas of your life.
Find a Buddy
As people who’ve helped others through all sorts of distressing situations, the one thing that’s essentially the Achilles heel to any circumstance is loneliness. Any distressing situation becomes ten times harder when you feel like you’re going through it alone. It definitely helps to find a helpful ear in the form of a professional via online therapy.
But it’s still not the same as having someone with you in the proverbial trenches. So, whether it’s the parent of one of your children’s friends, essentially going through much the same as you. Or someone you’ve met at a parenting support group. Supporting each other through this shared experienced can be invaluable to finding your way to the other side of it.
Get a “Mentor”
Finding a buddy navigating the same situation is one thing, but you need some light at the end of the tunnel. So, find yourself a “mentor,” someone older than you who’s already gone through what you’re going through now. They can not only advise you as to what worked for them, but also offer hope of something better to come.
Do Things That Make You Excited
The kids may have officially flown the coop, but this is also the time that you need to spread your wings and fly! Find a new hobby. Or make time for doing all those things you could never do with the kids in the house (such as travel). You need to remember that a new life for your adult children also means a new life for you (and it’s not too shabby!).
Learn to Trust in Yourself
This may sound strange, but much of your worry and concern over your adult child is rooted in a lack of trust in yourself. If you had complete confidence in yourself, you would know that you’ve done the best you could and you’ve prepared your children as best you could for life “out there.” That’s why this transition period is not just about letting go, but also about having a little faith in yourself and your own capabilities.
How to Remain Connected
We always explain during online therapy that a genuine connection extends far beyond just being physically present. So, whether you’re just a short drive away or a flight of thousands of miles, here’s how to stay connected with your adult child:
- Reassure your child that you will always be there without being there. It’s important to actually tell them this. Whether it’s via in-person conversations, texts, letters, Zoom calls or whatever else floats your boat. Let them know that you’ve got their back, no matter how old they become or where they go.
- Make time for one-on-ones. If you’re lucky enough to be able to spend time with your child and their partner/spouse/children in family settings, you still need to make time to see each other one-on-one. While family quality time is terrific, there are just some things that are more easily shared or said in a one-on-one setting. This is something online therapy has already proven.
- You need to start respecting your child more as a peer than as your child. This may also be an odd concept to you, but think about it this way; if your friend excitedly shows you their new car, would you immediately ask them whether they’re really able to afford it? And are you going to tell a friend who came for coffee that they should rethink their sugar usage? There are certain things we inherently do as parents trying to protect our offspring that will need to take a backseat when our children become full-grown adults living their own lives. You need to allow them to make their own choices (and mistakes!). And allow them to own up to them and whatever their consequences may be, just like the rest of us.
- Ensure you listen more than you speak. This can be a very tough habit to break for a parent who spent years with a nonverbal to teach them to talk, who had to have numerous teaching moments, discussions, and arguments, saying “yes,” saying “no.” But as an adult, your child will need you to listen more than speak. It’s their turn now to experience the world their way and tell you about it. They will ask for your input if they need it.
- Embrace those learning moments. We’re sure you can still remember that grandma who struggled switching from a landline to the new mobile phone technology. Or the uncle who still wanted to use a mouse because the trackpad on his new laptop was “too tricky.” Well, welcome, grandma and uncle 2.0! Your children will be exposed to new innovations in their daily lives that will blow you away. Perhaps your child has entered an industry you know nothing about. Then what a joy to get a front-row seat and get insider insights. Or perhaps your child can show you an easier way to make payments via an app. Whatever it is, it’s your turn to be open and embrace a few learning moments.
- Try to treat your child the way you want to be treated. This might just shift your perspective in the way needed. Would you appreciate it if someone told you to include more veg in your diet? Would you like someone to tell you that your painting would look better if you put it somewhere else? Would you appreciate someone telling you how to spend your time and money? Once you put yourself in your child’s shoes, it becomes easier to understand, to accept, or to bite your tongue.
What NOT to Do
We’ve gone through a few things that will help and facilitate transitioning to a new type of relationship with your adult child. But there are also a few things that are definite no-gos that we often spot in online therapy. These include the following:
DON’T Use the Past as Leverage.
It doesn’t matter if you paid for their education; you don’t have a say in what they ultimately choose as a career. It doesn’t matter that you carried them around in your womb for nine months; they never asked you to do that in the first place. Absolutely nothing you’ve done for your children puts you in a position to dictate how they spend or handle their adult lives.
DON’T Give Unsolicited Advice.
Letting you know they’ve got a new job isn’t them asking you to tell them “how the corporate world works.” And if they’re showing you their new home, it’s not your place to start pointing out possible improvements.
They’re not looking for your advice; they’re looking for you to share in their triumphs or joys. Something else we often see in online therapy is parents who give advice because they “know better.” The biggest problem with this is that you don’t realise that you actually might not.
We’ve come a long way, and your son may be perfectly fine going to work in his hoodie. In fact, if he goes on your recommendation and wears a suit and tie to his place of work in Silicon Valley, that might actually be the odd thing to do. And telling him/her about all the nifty ways you can create a presentation in PowerPoint is extremely old news to someone already working in new tools and platforms like Presso and Canva.
DON’T Overstep Boundaries.
If your child has requested that no visitors come around for the first couple of weeks after the birth of their newborn, then you should abide by their wishes. If they chose to raise their children on no sugar, then it’s not your place to sneak in a sweet or two.
In the same way, they may request you call first before just popping around. For their as well as your own sake (trust us, we’ve heard a few doozies in online therapy), keep to that arrangement.
Online Therapy Can Make the Transition Easier
If you’re currently in this parental transition period of letting go and keeping connection with your adult child. Or you’d just like to be prepared for this period in your life in the future, you’re welcome to reach out to us.
Online therapy is a safe space where you can share without fear of judgment and be supported during challenging times. You can reach out to us via email at info@personalonlinetherapy.com or by completing the form below:
