You may not be aware, but pop culture has been a pretty common topic at your local sex therapist recently…
In February 2023, Lily Allen and husband, David Harbour, infamously showcased their interesting Brooklyn Townhouse for Architectural Digest. By December 2024, the rumour mill started working overtime as the two were rarely seen together and Lily was spotted without her wedding ring.
In October 2025, Lily Allen set the world on fire with the release of her album, West End Girl. It was not only a musical masterpiece critically acclaimed for its artistry, but it was also a detailed account of her crumbling marriage.
With shock and awe, the world listened to how Lily agreed to an open marriage. Needless to say, it didn’t end well.
But this didn’t just place Lily Allen or her marriage in the spotlight; it raised new questions about the concept of open marriage. What’s it all about, and can something like this actually work? In this article, we take a deep dive into this modern-day marriage ideal and answer some of the burning questions.
What is an Open Marriage?
The concept of an open marriage rests on the foundation of consensual non-monogamy. In other words, both the husband and wife are able to see other people while married. But the concept is very different from what it looks like in practice.
The couple defines the terms of non-monogamy, and can range from being restricted to sex, or it can extend to full-fledged romantic connections or relationships, which would’ve been considered “affairs” in traditional marriages. Even within these definitions, further rules and boundaries are outlined.
Why Have an Open Marriage?
There are many reasons why couples decide to have an open marriage. These include:
- They find an open marriage to be a good compromise between individual independence and partnership. For those not 100% on board with traditional marriage and feel like they haven’t lived out all their best singleton years yet, an open marriage could be the solution.
- Some view an open marriage as a form of freedom of expression. In other words, they don’t feel like their marriage is censoring their emotions or feelings and stopping them from expressing them (even if just for a moment). This is a very popular narrative, especially within the creative and artistic crowd.
- It can be a way to satisfy a sexual kink wherever there’s a misalignment. There are instances where one partner has a sexual kink that the other doesn’t or doesn’t feel comfortable with. An open marriage can then allow the partner to practice the specific kink with others.
- The open marriage can actually be the kink itself. Some get a sexual kick out of sharing with their partner sexually. Ironically, this turn-on then leads to more sex within the marriage.
- It’s seen as practice. Want to try out something new or something you’re not entirely confident about? Then an open marriage allows you to have a “first attempt” with someone else before trying it with the person that matters the most.
- It can be a big F U to social norms. Those who wish to challenge the societal status quo out of principle might also go the open marriage route.
- Monogamous couples might want to spice things up. Many couples hit a sexual speedbump somewhere along the line. Things can simmer down sexually or feel monotonous. An open marriage is sometimes a way for them to try to get the excitement back.
- It can be a mere curiosity that needs to be satisfied. One or both partners might have heard about it, started wondering about it, and want to experience what all the fuss is about.
- For some, it can be a way to experience that new romantic interest thrill while in a committed marriage. The flirting, the butterflies – most of this tends to fade away in a long-term relationship. Having an open marriage can allow a sort of continuation of these throughout your long-term relationship.
The Fundamentals of an Open Marriage
The key to a successful open marriage is mutual respect for one another, keeping to the rules and boundaries agreed upon, and the joint commitment that the marriage will always take priority. Clear, open, and honest communication is also essential.
So, you can see that an open marriage takes a lot of hard work if taken seriously and done right. It’s not just a hall pass to do what-(and whom)-ever you like. But herein lies the challenge and why the failure rate for open marriages has been recorded at a staggering 92%.
Why Open Marriages Rarely Work
When we take a look at the fundamentals of an open marriage, it’s not so much the concept as the participants that usually mean its failure. Here’s why an open marriage rarely works out:
Couple Communication Sucks
Any sex therapist or couples counsellor can attest to the fact that most relationships struggle due to communication issues. To add a complexity like an open marriage to already tricky dynamics is simply a recipe for disaster.
It’s Not Really a Mutual Decision
Whenever the subject of an open marriage comes up and the words “mutual decision” start doing the rounds, the hair on the back of the neck of any sex therapist immediately stands upright. This is generally not lingo used by a couple who organically decided this.
When it truly is an idea or desire that has originated from the couple as a unit, we’ll hear a lot of “we’s”; “we feel,” “we thought,” we are planning to…,” etc. “It was a mutual decision” is rarely an organic response from a couple that’s in sync. If just one is actually on board and another is just along for the ride, it’s not only extremely unhealthy but also a situation bound to end in tears.
It’s a Ruse
Someone (or even both) partners are using the concept of open marriage for personal gain. Whether it’s just being able to have sex with as many people as they want, or as an excuse for cheating, it comes as no surprise that these open marriages also rarely work out.
Not just because it’s clear that there are already issues in the very foundation of the relationship, but because these open marriages often lack the necessary structure and boundaries. Why would you limit yourself if the aim is a free-for-all, right?
Someone Breaks the Rules
Crossing the boundaries or disregarding the guidelines set out in the open marriage agreement between two partners can be just as big a betrayal as an actual cheating incident.
As with so many other situations and incidents in a relationship, once trust has been broken, it’s incredibly hard to rebuild. In fact, statistics have shown that it can take between 1 and 2 years for trust to be rebuilt (if at all) when there’s been a significant betrayal in the relationship.
Someone Catches or Confuses Feelings
This is a big one, and the nuances can really take you down a rabbit hole. There are different scenarios and different reasons why a partner could start catching or confusing feelings:
Some are More Inclined to Form Emotional Attachments After Physical Intimacy.
This can be because of their personality type, background, or past experiences. This can make any casual sex (whether in an open marriage setting or not) very risky. It’s almost like playing Russian Roulette with your heart. And don’t just think it’s women! Although averages tend to favour females, many men find themselves in the same dilemma after casual sex.
There is Something Like Biological Bonding.
Oxytocin (also known as the ‘love hormone’) floods the brain during sex. This is the same hormone that hijacks your brain when you fall in love to ensure an attachment. On a biological level, that bonding was meant to secure successful procreation (yes, having babies), but it’s also the bonding that leads to modern-day long-term relationships and marriages.
So, imagine how confusing it can be for the body and the mind to distinguish between these hormones released during a casual encounter or physical intimacy with a partner. Remember, these are involuntary biological reactions.
The Greener Grass of Oxytocin
Think back to the first time you met and started dating your spouse. Do you remember the excited flutters in your stomach? The anticipation? The raw passion? Well, as we already explained, that’s all thanks to Oxytocin. The problem lies in the connection we’ve made between a hormone and actual life events.
As a society, we’ve connected these feelings to the start of a relationship, and even, heaven forbid, finding “the one.” As a sex therapist with extensive knowledge of how the mind and body work, the reality is that it’s merely “one of many.” But that doesn’t stop people from confusing these feelings for something that it’s really not: the sign to end your marriage and start again with someone new.
The reality is that the “new” will go the same route as that of the “old.” Oxytocin’s rush is not a permanent fixture. Remember, marriage is a long-term commitment and work, not a constant state of bliss (which would be the case if we just had a non-stop and constant supply of Oxytocin). So, don’t fall for the unrealistic allure of the greener grass of Oxytocin.
What We Can Learn From Lily Allen
No sex therapist would really be able to give insights into what happened between Lily Allen and her husband. Her album is her side of the story, after all. However, listening to the lyrics, it seems like a combination of reasons was at play for the end result. What we can take away from Lily Allen’s experience, though, is that an open marriage might sound like a great and fun way of tackling long-term commitment.
However, in reality, it’s incredibly hard work and a major commitment in itself. And it is most certainly not a venture one should take on when the foundations of your marriage are already a bit shaky. If this is something that you and your partner have been thinking about, it’s best to gather as much information as you can to make a well-informed decision. And speak to a professional.
A sex therapist will not only get you clued up on open marriage as a concept, but also help establish whether it’s something that could work within your specific relationship dynamics. So, if you’re looking for more information or would like to book a session, reach out at info@personalonlinetherapy.com. Alternatively, you can complete the form below, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible:
