As one of the biggest betrayals and heartbreaks in any relationship, it’s not surprising that one of the most frequently asked questions in online couples therapy is whether the relationship will be able to survive their partner’s (or their own!) infidelity.
Needless to say, the answer isn’t as straightforward or reassuring as one would like to hear. Cheating can devastate a relationship. And the process of repairing it is nuanced, with various factors influencing its success or failure. Here’s what you need to know about cheating, how to stay out of trouble, and whether a relationship can truly be saved once cheating has occurred.
Understanding the Different Types of Cheating
Cheating can take on many different shapes in a relationship, and it’s essential to have a conversation with your partner as to what they consider to be cheating (so you’re all on the same page). These are the different types of cheating:
Physical Cheating
This is probably what is most commonly accepted as cheating. This is when there has been some form of inappropriate or sexual physical interaction. For some, even this type of cheating can be nuanced, so you’ll need to clear this up with your partner. Where do you draw the line? Is it only kissing and intercourse that you categorize as cheating? What about cuddling? Stroking someone’s hair? Physical cheating can include a broad range of actions.
Emotional Cheating
You have no time to go out on date nights anymore, yet you somehow find time to grab lunch with a new “bestie.” Or you rarely speak to your partner, yet somehow, your “friend” knows all your innermost thoughts and dreams. The moment your partner gets “demoted” as the go-to person for all your most intimate emotional needs, and you’ve seemingly found a replacement – you’re guilty of emotionally cheating.
Online Cheating
In our modern tech times, a new form of cheating has become more and more prevalent – online cheating. Physical and emotional cheating tends to occur with someone you know or whom you’ve met before. However, under the guise of anonymity and by hiding behind a computer screen, we can be whomever we want to be and talk to whomever we want to.
A married man with three children can become a single man in his mid-twenties. Lonely women can suddenly feel understood and supported by someone literally thousands of miles away. And adult sites can allow people to send illicit photos and have illicit chats without ever even knowing each other’s names!
For many, it’s the anonymity and the fact that they don’t envision a real future with their online counterpart that makes it okay. But if you feel like this behavior is something you need to hide from your partner, you’ve probably crossed a line (no matter how hard you try to justify it to yourself).
Mentally Cheating (aka Fantasizing)
While most people have sexual fantasies, not many become entirely consumed by them. For some, the line between a healthy and unhealthy amount of fantasizing can become blurry. Fantasies can also take on various forms. Are you imagining someone else while being intimate with your partner?
Has your sex life with your partner taken a backseat to pleasuring yourself with fantasies inspired by a bit of background porn? Any of these will be Formula 1-level, waving red flags for mental cheating.
Financial Cheating
As with many other types of cheating, financial cheating can take on different forms. For example, it can be if you’re secretly siphoning off money without your partner’s knowledge (essentially white collaring your household funds). Or you’re hiding your spending, whether credit card bills after exorbitant shopping sprees, or loans to pay off gambling debts.
As you can see, financial cheating can often go hand-in-hand with some addiction. It’s also worth noting that many in an abusive relationship who are financially dependent on their abuser begin siphoning off money in an exit strategy. That is not the financial cheating we’re referring to here; that is survival.
Red Flag Situations to Avoid & Prevent Cheating
There really is no excuse for cheating and betraying your partner’s trust. At the end of the day, even the most drunken of “mistakes” begin with a choice. However, if you don’t want to be eaten by a tiger, you should probably avoid getting into its cage, right? So, the following should already be high on your no-to-do list:
- Accept friend or follower requests on social media from people you don’t know but who you think is attractive.
- Start engaging in online chats that you wouldn’t be comfortable sharing with your partner (keep them strictly platonic and respectful).
- Spending many work lunches with the same person.
- Going to places such as strip clubs or bars alone, where people are notoriously looking for a “hook-up.”
- Using substances to excess (whether drugs or just a few drinks too many). Anything that gets you inebriated and affects your decision-making and impulse control is no good).
- Oversharing or complaining about your partner to a close friend or acquaintance who seems to act like an understanding “shoulder to cry on.” If you have problems in your relationship and find it therapeutic to talk things through with someone, rope in a professional and book an online couples therapy session.
Can a Relationship Survive Cheating?
This is the one question we most often get from desperate, hopefuls after infidelity has already occurred. In many of these instances, they are not seeking an answer but rather confirmation of what they already suspect or know.
You see, a relationship can survive cheating, but it depends on the specific individuals and circumstances surrounding the infidelity, as well as the couple’s commitment to repairing the relationship. If these factors are all aligned, the relationship can not only survive the cheating but even come out stronger on the other side. However, this is extremely hard to do without the guidance of a professional.
Online couples therapy is often the go-to due to the sensitive nature of the problems and the safety and comfort factor associated with being in your own space. Another interesting thing to note about those who reach out is that we usually discover two things during online couples therapy:
- Cheating is a symptom but not the root problem within the relationship. Once again, we’d like to reiterate that there are no excuses for cheating, but there could be deeper causes.
This can range from undiagnosed mental health conditions and addictions to unhealthy coping strategies and selfish behavioral traits. By addressing these root causes in online couples therapy sessions, we’ve often found that it starts healing much more in the relationship than the cheating incident itself.
- Couples realise they view things differently. This is why we always recommend couples have difficult and uncomfortable conversations before officially doing life together. We often find ourselves in situations of great revelations.
A partner can be shocked to find out that the other doesn’t view getting a lap dance from a stripper as cheating. Or that they see what one perceives as emotional cheating as merely a close friendship. As mentioned earlier, cheating is nuanced and ultimately boils down to what both are comfortable with and consent to.
How Online Couples Therapy Can Help Repair a Relationship Damaged by Cheating
Once again, online couples therapy sessions can vary in format, depending on the specific individuals and their unique situation. But generally, therapy includes the following:
- Reestablishing safety. This refers to your emotional safety. The trust has been broken, and your emotional security has taken a knock. You won’t be able to address or repair anything from a position of self-defensiveness while your nervous system is in fight or flight mode.
- Processing and managing emotions. Needless to say, infidelity can bring up a lot of emotions from both parties. So, we first need to acknowledge and process certain emotions to ensure that we don’t tackle the situation while intense emotions are still in control and driving our actions.
- Dissecting the cheating incident. Some partners want to know every last detail of the cheating. This usually goes hand-in-hand with demystifying the infidelity. What you envision as this cinematic moment may be a clumsy and brief interlude. While this doesn’t change what has happened, some find relief in de-escalating things in their mind. This is also when we start diving into the ‘why’ behind the cheating incident (the root problems).
- Adopting effective communication skills. You may feel like you’ve effectively told your cheating partner exactly where to shove it, but that won’t help you repair and rebuild the relationship. Understanding each other’s perspectives and being able to communicate (whether you agree or not) respectfully will be key to whether your relationship survives.
- Accepting accountability. Everyone needs to take accountability for the part they played leading up to the current situation. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge, so true healing starts with taking accountability.
- Working toward true forgiveness. This is another crucial element to repairing your relationship. If you’re going to continue the relationship but bring up the cheating incident or affair in every future fight, there really is no point. You don’t need to ever forget, but you do need to truly forgive for your relationship to heal.
- Rebuilding intimacy. Understandably, after being so brutally betrayed, being vulnerable and intimate with your partner (whether emotionally or physically) can seem incredibly daunting. This will take a lot of work from both sides.
Moving Towards a Brighter Tomorrow with Online Couples Therapy
Cheating can be devastating to a relationship. However, there’s hope for repair and even ending up with a relationship that’s stronger than before. Just keep in mind that this type of healing doesn’t happen overnight, and you may experience a few setbacks along the way.
This is also a journey you won’t be able to take on by yourself. You will need a professional to help you navigate this challenging road ahead as a couple. So, if you would like to address infidelity in your relationship, feel free to reach out to us at info@personalonlinetherapy.com. Or request an online couples therapy session by completing the form below:
