As mental health professionals, we work with many different organisations and support groups. As a new year begins, post-holiday feedback starts trickling in from all these various entities. This is very important as we look toward the potential needs of people in the upcoming year. There is one topic and feedback that never fails to break your heart as a child psychologist. It is that of parental alienation and the aftermath it leaves behind.
The new year has barely begun, and we’ve already been inundated with the news of deaths (parents who didn’t have any strength left to fight). Then there’s all the planned protests in front of courthouses, lawsuits against social workers and judges, and much more. It is an absolutely devastating situation that’s more prominent than you might think. Here’s what you need to know:
What is Parental Alienation?
Many think parental alienation is one parent simply refusing to allow the other parent to see their child(ren). In reality, it’s a much more twisted form of psychological warfare. And not many professionals are apt to spot, never mind deal with.
For example, there are no laws against one parent making plans with the other for a visit, changing arrangements on multiple occasions, and then cancelling at the last minute because the child “is sick”.
Getting court orders to try and stop such behaviour takes months or even years. And taking further action when court orders that are not adhered to take even more time (and rarely helps).
The cost? A loving parent’s time, energy, money, mental health, and years of precious time, milestones, and memories with their children.
The Hope of an Alienated Parent
Alienated parents often have a hope that defies all logic and keeps them fighting for access to their children. They cling to “one day” when all their efforts will pay off, the family will be reunited, and everything can go back to happier times.
This hope is a crucial coping and survival mechanism. However, it is often also the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Once the alienated parents’ efforts succeed, and they can finally attempt to have a normal, loving parent-child relationship with their child(ren) again, it doesn’t quite happen the way they thought.
That’s because there’s one element to parental alienation that’s not always spoken about. And it can quickly shatter the image of the happy reconciliation a parent so desperately clung to.
The Problem of Conditioning as Often Perceived by a Child Psychologist
Conditioning in psychology refers to a learning process. It’s a process in which behaviours and thoughts are modified using certain stimuli such as rewards, fear, punishment, etc., until the changed behaviour/thinking becomes almost unconscious and automated.
Remember good old Pavlov and his dogs? After conditioning them to expect food whenever he would ring a bell, the mere sound of the bell eventually got them salivating. No one, especially not a child psychologist, wants to compare children to dogs. But, sadly, they are conditioned in much the same way in instances of parental alienation. Here’s how conditioning in parental alienation cases works:
The child is isolated and kept away from the one parent using various means.
This is used to cultivate a sense of abandonment in the child. This can be merely suggestive or an actual verbal claim made by the alienator. In this process, the child not only gets accustomed to the one parent not being present in their daily lives, but also ensures that they’re on guard and a little distrusting. After all, would you deem someone emotionally safe if they could abandon you so easily?
Situations are misconstrued or purposefully mismanaged to make a parent seem unreliable.
The kids may be told that they’re going to see daddy or mommy, excitedly be driven to the spot where this meetup is supposed to occur, only to find that no one’s there. In reality, there was never a meetup planned. But the parent who orchestrated this entire event can now console the heartbroken children, reinforcing their role as the safe and dependable parent in their lives.
Or what most would consider as fairly standard mishaps in life are used as a weapon. Imagine a parent on their way to fetch their child(ren) from school, getting a flat tyre, correctly informing the other parent, only to have that parent show up and tell the children how “daddy/mommy couldn’t make it” with no further explanation.
The child is made to question whether they are safe with a parent.
You don’t need to openly and verbally state that someone is unsafe to make the concept clear. For instance, when the parent drops the children off at the alienated parent’s home for a court-ordered visit, it could be a very dramatic and emotional goodbye, creating the impression that they’re not sure when (or if) they’ll ever see the children again. The lingering question as to “why?” is what creates uncertainty and insecurity in the children.
The same goes for phone calls during the visit. Phoning children to ask them, “Are you still ok?” clearly sends the message that they’re not expected to be.
The alienated parent is portrayed as a pauper who will never be able to financially care for them.
Parents do this in multiple ways. It can be with comments made to the alienated parent in front of the children. Comments like “your wheel needs replacing,” “your gate needs repairs,” etc. These aim to highlight an apparent lack of resources to take care of daily responsibilities.
The alienating parent could also keep the alienated parent so wrapped up in court battles that every last cent gets swallowed up in legal fees. The most devastating cases tend to be the stay-at-home moms. Having been financially dependent on your husband, who then uses expensive legal systems and attorneys to gain custody of your children, is a battle that not many of these women stand a chance against.
Sadly, the children aren’t privy to any of what’s happening behind the curtain. All they perceive is a parent who can never afford to buy them anything or take them anywhere.
The parent uses the other parent’s silence against them.
As any child psychologist knows, the best thing for the well-being of any child is for both parents to be respectful of one another. We, professionals, are well aware that most divorces are pretty contentious, but parents don’t need to offload that on their children.
Unfortunately, in many parental alienation cases, we see one parent actually use this protective silence against the other parent. For example, one parent might actually be verbally telling the children their version of the truth.
Or, if we use the example of the unplanned “visit” of earlier, the alienated parent may become aware of the situation, yet keep the truth to themselves out of respect for the children’s well-being. While this is 100% the correct thing to do, there is a price to pay for that silence, as the children are further conditioned to be more “pro” the other parent.
A parent uses the other’s concern for their children against them.
There is an old biblical story that depicts this best. Two women show up at the palace. One is holding a baby, and the other is clearly upset. “She stole my baby!” the distressed woman proclaims. “Well, how do I know that?” asks King Solomon. Both women just stare at the king in silence.
“I know! I have the perfect solution!” the king suddenly exclaims. He then reaches for his sword. “I’ll cut the baby in half so each of you gets a piece!”. Immediately, the woman not holding the child starts crying and begging the king not to hurt the child, but rather allow the other lady to keep it.
“Hand back the woman’s baby to her,” the king said to the woman holding the child. “Only the real mother would put her child’s welfare before her own like that.”
In cases of parental alienation, some of the available options to deal with the matter can be quite extreme and invasive. For example, children can be called to testify in court. These types of distressing situations can be used to dissuade the alienated parent from acting since they don’t want to put their children through that.
Ironically, this seeming inaction reinforces the perception that the alienated parent has no grounds to act on. Therefore, there must be something really “wrong” with them since they don’t have the same access to their child(ren) as the other parent.
The parent has a strange definition of what’s “in the best interest of the children.”
Similar to the biblical tale of King Solomon and the two women, what’s truly in the best interest of the children may not always be what the parent wants. In cases of parental alienation, a child psychologist sees all sorts of missed opportunities that would’ve actually benefitted the child.
For example, the child wasn’t allowed to go on a holiday abroad with the alienated parent because of “kidnapping” risks. The child was offered a bursary from a very prestigious school, but then they would have had to stay with the alienated parent because of the school’s location. They don’t get to see loving grandparents or play with nieces and nephews because they’re on the alienated parents’ “side.”
None of this is ever questioned by the children since they’ve been conditioned to trust and believe the parent who’s actively keeping them from these relationships and experiences.
Hindsight is 20/20, and in parental alienation cases, it can be quite devastating to children later in life.
One parent has all the power, making themselves the authority figure.
Any child psychologist can tell you that power dynamics reveal a lot when working with children. In working with children who have been subjected to parental alienation, the power dynamics become extremely warped. Children will almost always align and be fiercely loyal to the alienating parent.
This is also why alienated parents are often let down by the systems and professionals who are unable to distinguish between an authentic and a conditioned response from a child.
There are many reasons why this skewed power dynamic occurs:
- The child is most likely living with or spending most of their time with the alienating parent. So they are well aware that their basic survival and daily care mostly rely on this parent. The saying “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” has never been more applicable.
- The child has learnt that the alienating parent has all the decision-making power. Even if the other parent disagrees (for example, when it comes to schooling), the result will inevitably be whatever the alienating parent has decided. If a child has been conditioned to believe that one parent is absolutely powerless, why would they willingly join him/her and go against the wishes of the alienating parent in what’s clearly an uphill battle that can never be won?
- The parent may have actually verbally claimed power. This can be done by making comments such as “your dad is useless,” “it doesn’t matter what mom says,” or “what I say goes.”
The Lasting Damage of Conditioning
What makes conditioning such a tricky predicament for any parent is fairly obvious. The children are also casualties of parental alienation. Sadly, there’s not much the alienated parent can do to rectify the situation.
Most of conditioning is not reality. It’s a feeling, assumptions, and pre-conceived notions, purposely orchestrated over many, many years by one parent. In this sense, conditioning in parental alienation cases is very similar to that found in cult settings.
Attempts at reversing such conditioning require psychological reprogramming. This takes a lot of time and effort and is usually met with a lot of resistance (consciously as well as subconsciously).
The damage caused by conditioning also extends beyond a child’s years as a legal minor. Unless these children really put in the healing work, future relationships are marred by all sorts of dysfunctional beliefs, attachment issues, ineffective or unhealthy communication styles, and much more.
The Future of Parent-Child Relationships After Parental Alienation
Unfortunately, there will always be a question mark as to what the future holds for these relationships.
In some cases, the children grow up, realise what’s happened to them, and actually seek out a closer bond with the alienated parent. In other cases, that never happens. The children end up forever believing they’ve got a deadbeat dad or a troubled mom they haven’t seen in years. Other times, the children end up in a strange back-and-forth as they struggle to reconcile their internal conflict between their conditioned beliefs and reality.
What any child psychologist can guarantee is that professional support is needed for both the children and the alienated parent. When it comes to children, the sooner they can get help, the better. That way, the damage is less. Repairing and rebuilding relationships are easier. And they have the unbiased emotional support they need outside of all the drama.
The parent also needs to seek out a professional. To provide support throughout the period of parental alienation, as well as its aftermath (whatever that may be).
If you’d like more information on parental alienation and conditioning, or if you are currently finding yourself in this situation, please reach out to us. You can do so by either sending an email to info@personalonlinetherapy.com or by completing the form below so that we can get back to you as soon as possible:
