ABBA sings, “Slipping through my fingers all the time, I try to capture every minute, the feeling in it, slipping through my fingers all the time. Sometimes, I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time.” But what happens when time has run out? This is the subject of many of our online therapy sessions.
In the past couple of years, there have been many viral social media videos of celebrities struggling with their empty nests as their children leave the house. From Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Garner to Brooke Shields, there have been many emotional videos. Although viral videos of celebrities are nothing strange, these emotional displays actually serve a greater purpose than just our normal consumption of all things glitz and glam.
It makes many parents dealing with an empty nest feel like they’re not so alone and that their thoughts and feelings are valid. And it puts a spotlight on an important subject that affects roughly 98% of parents, if you believe a recent survey conducted amongst first-year university students.
Also, don’t fall for the stereotype usually depicting mothers as emotional empty nester wrecks; another study proved that 99% of fathers noted a profound loss with their kids out of the house. Just because they may not always wear their hearts on their sleeves doesn’t mean they don’t have one.
The fact that we refer to the extreme grief we experience without our children in the house as a “syndrome” probably doesn’t help people wanting to admit to the hurt and the pain they’re experiencing.
This article will lift the veil of this “syndrome” and reveal what it’s really all about and how to deal with it.
What is Empty Nest Syndrome?
Empty Nest Syndrome, in a nutshell, is nothing more than missing the presence of the ones we love. And after so many years of, let’s face it, sometimes wishing we could get away for a bit, it’s no surprise that their absence has a profound impact on us.
In this way, leaving the house is just as much a milestone in the life of the parents as it is in the lives of their kids. Those experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome can expect feelings of extreme sadness, loss, grief, as well as anxiety and fear (for their children out in the big scary world as well as what their “new” normal is going to look like).
Digging a Little Deeper & Growing from the Experience
Although an empty nest can be heartbreaking, it can also be an incredible opportunity to learn more about yourself and experience some personal growth. These are a few things that may come up for you during this time:
Your Relationship with Motherhood/Fatherhood
Some people can lose themselves in their roles as mothers or fathers. If your own identity has become so intertwined with motherhood or fatherhood that you don’t really know where your role as a parent or your identity as an individual begins and ends, you can face a real existential crisis when the kids leave the house. You might find yourself in a position where you need to rediscover yourself.
Dealing with Change
Generally, humans are creatures of habit, and we don’t really like change (no matter how much you’d like to believe you’re different). Believe it or not, the go-to of our brains (specifically the Amygdala) is to see change as a threat, and results in anxiety and instant resistance.
You know how everyone tells you to “step out of your comfort zone”? Well, you’re literally neurologically wired to stay within your comfort zone (which is why it can feel so disconcerting outside of it as you’re battling your own brain). This is also why dealing with the change of the children leaving the house and all the subsequent changes it brings about can be such a frightening and stressful time.
Your Past Experiences
A lot of our psyche is firmly rooted in our own experiences and memories. So, for those who don’t have very fond memories of moving out of the parental home, having their own children leave the house can be even more challenging than usual.
Although this might bring up a lot of memories and emotions of the past that may not be very pleasant, it’s actually an opportunity to do a deep dive into your psyche and process any unresolved feelings or events. If you’d like to do so from the comfort and convenience of your own home or from wherever you’re currently travelling, online therapy sessions are a great way to sort out these remnants of the past and not unfairly project them onto your children.
Dealing with Marriage Problems
Marriage can be challenging no matter which stage of life you find yourself in. However, when the children leave, many are surprised and shocked at just how little of a marriage there actually is. You see, through the years, it’s easy to fall into the rhythms of our daily routines and somehow trick ourselves amid our busy and loud households filled with children, that we are maintaining an intimate connection with our spouse.
Until the quiet dawns on the household, the conversations surrounding the children die down, and we find ourselves sitting across the dining room table from a stranger. But where many may fear this being the end of their marriage, it can be merely an opportunity to rediscover and reconnect with each other and revitalize your marriage. We have many empty nesters who did just that via our online therapy sessions.
Facing Your Mortality
Most people won’t consciously link a child leaving the home with death, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t become acutely aware of our own mortality during this time. The kids leaving the home serves as a reminder that time passes.
We become acutely aware of the fact that the kids feel like they were tots only yesterday, so how soon before we grow old and frail and leave this “mortal coil”? (as Shakespeare so elegantly put it). We use various techniques in our online therapy sessions to help people come to terms with their mortality, such as existential exploration, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Mindfullness Excercises, and much more.
Confronting Ourselves; Who We Are & What We Do
When we discover that our identity has been too tightly woven into motherhood or fatherhood, we’ll also find that most of our time has been dedicated to this role. So, when the children leave the home, you might not just have to rediscover who you are but also what to do with your time.
This aspect of free time often feeds into the problem of an empty nest. While the empty nest in itself is already an issue, there’s not a lot that can keep you busy and take your mind off things when you suddenly have loads of free time with nothing to fill it with (other than thoughts about your miserable situation, of course).
This is why we always recommend to empty nesters during our online therapy sessions to see their empty nest as an opportunity to explore and discover new talents and hobbies. Now is the time to try and do all those things you never had time for. Go bungee jumping if you’ve always wanted to. Or book a spot in a pottery class. Whatever floats your boat and won’t leave you just wallowing in the muck of your empty nest misery.
Having to Redefine Your Relationship with Your Child
This is a big one and something that can come as a surprise to many parents. You see, parents are told and prepared for various stages of a child’s life, such as the terrible twos and the rebellious teen years.
But not many talk about the time you have to redefine your relationship with your child as an adult and peer. Of course, your child will always be your child, but the dynamics of the relationship will change. It can sometimes be challenging for both children and parents to navigate this transition. So, it might be a good idea to seek professional guidance, such as via our online therapy sessions.
A Few Ways to Deal with Your Empty Nest
There are a few ways you can deal with your empty nest situation in a healthy way. These include:
- Never avoid your thoughts and your feelings. There’s a big difference between suppressing and processing and distracting and keeping busy. Your thoughts and feelings during this time are valid, and you should allow yourself to think and feel them.
- Try to make a mindshift. While an empty nest can be a harsh reminder of various endings with your child’s childhood in the rearview mirror, it also signals many exciting new beginnings.
- Dream, wish, and plan, instead of pining after a season that’s passed. This is a fresh new chapter and time for you to find a new hobby, invest in your marriage, rediscover yourself, honestly, the world is your oyster!
- Reach out to the pros. It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling or don’t know how to get through this period of your life. Book an appointment with a therapist or counsellor, we have numerous offering online therapy sessions as an option or find a support group. If you would like to reach out to us, you’re welcome to do so by emailing us at info@personalonlinetherapy.com. Or you can just complete the form below and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible:
