“Coercive control.”
These are terms often heard these days. GBV activists talk about it. You’ll hear it on the news when they cover trials. And many self-improvement influencers talk about it. But while these two words may be the “buzz words of the moment” in some circles, they are often used in devastating circumstances in ours. It is essential for victims (and potential victims) to understand exactly what coercive control is, as well as how personal online therapy can often be a lifeline in these situations.
That’s why this article takes a thorough deep dive into coercive control, how to spot it, how to stop it, and how to deal with the damage. By being educated, you’ll be empowered to get out, get help for a loved one, or avoid these situations altogether.
What is Coercive Control? How We Explain It During Personal Online Therapy
Coercive control is a form of emotional and psychological abuse with the emphasis on psychological. It’s an extremely cunning form of abuse. It can be so subtle that you often only realise what’s happening when it’s too late. Coercive control is when someone uses controlling behaviour to manipulate and intimidate someone else to get their way.
This controlling behaviour is not always obvious and usually spans over an extended period of time. Although coercive control isn’t limited to specific dynamics, we most commonly find it in familial or romantic relationships during personal online therapy sessions.
Examples of Coercive Control Often Used During Personal Online Therapy
As can be seen from the definition, coercive control can be quite extensive. And it can take on many different forms in various interpersonal relationships. The below are just a few examples to better understand the concept of coercive control:
A partner Slowly Starts to Isolate You
You’ll hear things like “This one’s a bad influence,” “That one doesn’t understand you,” and so forth. They’ll justify and motivate cutting that person out of your life. However, soon you’ll find you’ll have no one left. This is the perfect situation for that controlling partner. Without any outside influence to call them out or assist you, they are free to do with you whatever they want.
You Can’t Leave the Relationship
You find yourself in a terrible relationship. Normally, you would leave. But there are children involved. And your partner has made sure you understand “you’ll never see the kids again” if you leave.
There’s a Financial Power Shift
Initially, you couldn’t believe your luck when your partner suggested you quit your job since they make more than enough money to sustain the household. However, over time, your decision-making rights have slowly begun deteriorating without any financial weight behind you. And, ultimately, when you want to leave, you have no resources to do so.
There’s a DV Combination
Coercive control can go hand-in-hand with physical abuse. You only need to be pushed, kicked, hit, etc., once to understand that it can happen again. So, after this has occurred, an underlying threat exists.
If you don’t do what this person says, you could be pushed, kicked, hit, etc., again. To avoid this, you try to keep the abuser happy. Of course, this scenario has no age limit, and it can be found in a parent-to-child, partner-to-partner, or even caregiver-to-elderly dynamic.
You’re the Victim of Old School Childhood Toxicity
Ever heard the term “as long as you’re under my roof” when you were younger? This is another example of coercive control in a familial setting. “As long as you’re under my roof,” as opposed to what? Not being under the roof?
Since this is not even an option if you’re a young child, it leaves you with no choice but to fall in line. While many may have been on the receiving end of this coercive phrase regarding short skirts or cleaning one’s room, other instances can take on a much darker undertone.
You’re Being Threatened with Third Parties
Think of phrases such as “If you don’t stop this now, I’ll send you to boarding school,” “If you don’t calm down, I’m going to have to call in psychiatric help for you,” “Mom, if you don’t do this, we’re going to have to move you into a retirement village.”
These phrases are usually good-intentioned and often used in situations where someone is genuinely trying to help. For example, a child getting involved in a bad crowd, trying to distinguish whether a loved one really has lost control over their emotional state, or a parent no longer taking essential chronic medication.
But there are other times when these phrases come from a place of malice, where they are mere manipulation tactics. This is a good example of why it can sometimes be challenging to spot coercive control.
The Red Flags We Discuss During Personal Online Therapy
We will never promote walking through life constantly questioning people’s motives or intentions, incessantly looking for red flags. The following red flags are just so you know when to start raising an eyebrow and begin questioning and evaluating things on a deeper level. Some mark the beginning of active coercive control, while others are often precursors:
Being…
- called names.
- humiliated. This usually takes on the form of insults disguised as a joke and can occur behind closed doors or in front of others.
If someone…
- is always making excuses for why you can’t attend social events with friends and family.
- is being overly critical of you. This can range from your appearance and what you wear to what you do and who you choose to spend your time with.
- asks you to be tracked (whether this involves a physical device or an app). This is often not brought up as a negative thing but rather as in the best interest of your own safety.
When…
- someone is making any verbal threats. This is not just blatant threats of physical violence but also statements such as “… or you’ll regret it,” “you’re going to be sorry,” and so forth.
- you’re technologically scrutinized. Someone is checking your browser history, wanting to check your emails, snooping around on your phone, or commenting on your social media activities in such a way that it clearly shows they’re overly invested in what you’re doing online).
- you’re financially dependent on your partner, and they start referring to any money they give you as an “allowance.”
- your partner is using your name to get accounts or loans. This usually happens with your consent after being persuaded by what seems like very rational reasons why it makes sense
- your voice is being silenced. This is not a once-off occurrence and will usually span across various areas of your life. It can range from not seeing the movie you wanted to see and not painting the house the colour you wanted to not getting the basic household products (toothpaste, soap, milk, etc.) you wanted.
If you…
- suspiciously receive gifts after a sexual engagement. What might initially come across as thoughtful and romantic can actually be an attempt at rewiring your brain’s reward system..
From Spot to Stop: How We Suggest Dealing with Coercive Control During Our Personal Online Therapy Sessions
The most powerful weapon against coercive control is perspective. During personal online therapy, we like to use the analogy of the frog in the pot when talking about coercive control. The frog is put in a pot of water and placed on the stove. The stove is then switched on at its lowest heat setting.
Very slowly, the water starts to heat up. But it’s so gradual that the frog never notices the temperature of the water rising. So, how do you stop the frog from boiling alive? Well, the frog either needs to change its mind or change locations (both requiring a shift in perspective). This can be achieved in the following ways:
Friends and Family Who Make You Aware of It
However, this also has its challenges. As mentioned, in extreme cases, the individual will be completely isolated. So, there will be no one to make them aware of it. Other times, you’re in so much denial or have been spoonfed so many lies that you simply don’t believe your friends and family. But often, it can only take a few others sharing their perspective to change yours.
Being Self-aware
We’re all human, and even the best of us can make mistakes and find ourselves in a bit of a self-made mess. But if we have any self-awareness, there’s still hope for a U-turn. Once you find yourself beginning to question things, it’s a good time to take yourself out of the pot and take a step back.
This can mean moving out temporarily or having no contact. While the old adage says that “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” distance gives a new perspective and often leads to clarity. Per our frog analogy, once you’ve felt the cold again, you’ll realise how hot that water was, after all.
Reaching Out When Things Feel “Off”
If you ever find yourself in a position where you think you’ve spotted a red flag. Or something just feels a bit “off”, but you’re not entirely sure. Your go-to should be to reach out to others. This is also when personal online therapy often comes in handy.
If you’ve already been isolated from your inner circle. Or just need the guidance of a completely objective professional – personal online therapy is the most convenient way to go about it. It can be done from the comfort of your own home, your car, or wherever else suits you best. Personal online therapy allows you to safely and discreetly talk to a pro.
Reach Out
If you think you or someone you care about might be in a coercive control situation or environment, please don’t hesitate to contact us. Whether you just want more information, a few questions answered, or guidance on how to get out – we’ll be more than happy to assist. You can reach us via email at info@personalonlinetherapy.com. Or you can complete the form below, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible:
